My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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