A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
