if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
