i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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