What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
PANTIES FOUND
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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