My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
