Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
