my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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