youre lurking in front of me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
