you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
