So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
