The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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