I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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