I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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