she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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