I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
