you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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