Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
