i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
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You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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