Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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