I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
