Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
