Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
