I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
