I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
