I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
