OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
