Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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