Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
