nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
