i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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