I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
