he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
