I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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