Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
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