I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
