how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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