All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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