so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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