I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
