its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
