Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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