Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
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Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
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I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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