I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
