Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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