I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
