You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Randomize
