Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
