Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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