I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
