If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
