All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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