I heard we made out
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
