I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
