right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
