Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
